mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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