does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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