How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
