goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
