i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I didn't notice because vodka
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
