You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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