You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
