dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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