"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
