Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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