I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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