WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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