what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize