Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
