happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
