awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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