You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
