he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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