2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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