dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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