i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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