My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
