u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
