It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
