it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
