i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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