Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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