Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
