Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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