like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
