So drunk its hurt
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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