The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
