I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
