I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
