I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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