I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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