One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
