She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
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