my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
don't judge my taste in strippers
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is this like a preordered booty call?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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