i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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