I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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