So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
