You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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