So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
