remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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