Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
