Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have fence marks all over my body
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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