waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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