my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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