Me too!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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