The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
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I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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