Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
