why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
