hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
