I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
