i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
