Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
