I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
