he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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